Divorce Information
 
Web World-SuperSite

Divorce--The Five Obstacles to Agreement


This article and my articles "Overcoming Obstacles to Agreement" and "Negotiating Agreement" are about how to deal with disagreement--from simple difference of opinion to active upset and anger--and some specific steps that will help you reach an agreement. As you will see, the things you can do yourself are far more effective than anything a lawyer can do for you.

More than 90% of all cases are settled before trial. Unfortunately, too many are settled only after the spouses have spent their emotional energies on conflict and their financial resources on lawyers. The time and effort spent battling has impaired their ability to get on with their lives and may have caused serious psychic damage to themselves and their children. The spouses could have saved themselves all that simply by agreeing to settle earlier. Why didn't they?

Okay, here you are, heading for a divorce; your spouse is going to be involved and you want to work out an agreement. What's so hard about that? Why don't you just do it? Easier to say than do, isn't it? There are good reasons why it's hard for spouses to work out an agreement--five, to be exact:

  • Emotional upset and conflict
  • Insecurity and fear
  • Ignorance and misinformation
  • The legal system and lawyers
  • Real disagreement

To get an agreement, in or out of the system, with or without an attorney, you have to overcome the five obstacles. Let's look at them in a little more detail to see what you're dealing with.

The Five Obstacles to Agreement

1. Emotional upset and conflict: This is about high levels of anger, hurt, blame, and guilt--a very normal part of divorce. If one or both spouses are upset, you can't negotiate, have reasonable discussions or make sound decisions. Complex and volatile emotions become externalized and get attached to things or to the children.

When emotions are high, reason is at its lowest ebb and will not be very effective at that time. There are various causes of upset:

  • The divorce itself, stress of major change, broken dreams, fear of change, fear of an unknown future
  • Different readiness to accept the idea of divorce and willingness to proceed--the hidden cause of conflict in many cases
  • History of bad communication habits or conflict
  • Particular events or circumstances (a new lover, a new debt)

2. Insecurity, fear, lack of confidence, unequal bargaining power: You can't negotiate if either spouse feels incompetent, afraid, or that the other spouse has some big advantage.

Divorce is tremendously undermining and tends to multiply any general lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. Also, there are often very real causes for insecurity: lack of skill and experience at dealing with business and negotiation, and lack of complete information and knowledge about the process and the marital affairs.

It doesn't matter if insecurity is real or reasonable; it is real if it feels real.

3. Ignorance and misinformation: Ignorance about the legal system and how it works can make you feel uncertain, insecure and incompetent. You feel as if you don't know what you are doing--and you are right.

Misinformation is when the things you think you know are not correct. Misinformation comes from friends, television, movies, even from lawyers who are not family law specialists. It can distort your expectations about your rights and what's fair. It's hard to negotiate with someone who has mistaken ideas about what the rules are.

Fortunately, both conditions can be easily fixed with reliable information.

4. The legal system and lawyers: The legal system does not help you overcome obstacles to agreement but, rather it is one of the major obstacles that you have to overcome. The legal system is designed to work against you. You want to avoid the legal system as much as possible--and you can. You can beat the system.

5. Real disagreement: These are the real issues that you want to deal with rationally and negotiate with your spouse.

Real disagreement is based on the fact that the spouses now have different needs and interests. After dealing with the first four obstacles, these real issues may turn out to be minor, but even if they are serious, at least they can be negotiated rationally.

The solutions are in your hands. Apart from the legal system--which you can avoid--all obstacles to your agreement are personal, between you and your spouse and between you and yourself.

Take care. Pay special attention to emotional upset and especially insecurity and fear. These are the forces that drive people into a lawyer's office. You want to avoid doing anything that might increase the upset and fear of either spouse.

The upset person is saying, "I can't stand this, I won't take it anymore! I'm going to get a lawyer!"

The insecure person is saying, "I can't understand all this, I can't deal with it, I can't deal with my spouse. I want to be safe. I need someone to help me. I'm going to get a lawyer."

And this is how cases get dragged into unnecessary legal conflict.

You need to arrange things so both spouses are comfortable about not retaining an attorney. If you think your spouse may be upset or insecure, you have to be very careful and patient. If you are feeling incapable of dealing with your own divorce, the information in my book, Divorce Solutions: How to Make Any Divorce Better will help a lot and you will see that you can get all the help and support you need without retaining an attorney.

Copyright 2005 Ed Sherman

Ed Sherman is a family law attorney, divorce expert, and founder of Nolo Press. He started the self-help law movement in 1971 when he published the first edition of How to Do Your Own Divorce, and founded the paralegal industry in 1973. Ed has saved the public billions of dollars in legal fees while making divorce go more smoothly and easily for millions of readers. You can order his books from http://www.nolodivorce.com or by calling (800) 464-5502.


MORE RESOURCES:

guardian.co.uk

Madonna and Guy Granted "Quickie Divorce"
Seattle Post Intelligencer - 2 hours ago
By GINA DINUNNO Just one month after announcing their split, the two were granted a preliminary "quickie divorce" Friday in the High Court of London, ...
Video: Divorce Decree for Madonna, Guy Ritchie AssociatedPress
Madonna & Guy Granted Preliminary Divorce People Magazine
Madonna, Guy Ritchie Divorce Approved by UK Court (Update3) Bloomberg
The Associated Press - Voice of America
all 1,540 news articles


Times Online

F1 boss in pole position for huge divorce payout
CNN International - 7 hours ago
Meanwhile, a London court Friday granted a quick divorce between Madonna and her film director husband Guy Ritchie -- after the couple reportedly struck a ...
Ecclestone faces big divorce payout ITV.com
F1 Tycoon Bernie Ecclestone’s Wife Files For Divorce Auto Racing Daily
Formula 1 boss faces divorce case BBC News
International Herald Tribune - Times Online
all 169 news articles


Contactmusic.com

Reese Witherspoon divulges divorce details
Boston Herald, United States - 17 hours ago
By Herald Wire Services Reese Witherspoon dishes about her divorce from actor Ryan Phillippe in this weekend’s Parade Magazine “There are things in my life ...
Witherspoon still dealing with divorce Digital Spy
Reese Witherspoon Speaks About Being Wary of Marrying Again TheCelebrityCafe.com
I have great hope for love Parade Magazine
Independent - OK! Magazine
all 55 news articles


Divorce deals fizzle with economy
Atlanta Journal Constitution,  USA - 10 hours ago
By Jocelyn Noveck AP New York —- Bonnie Rabin is fond of saying that divorce lawyers are a bit like liquor stores. They’re busiest in the really good times, ...


What To Do When Your Children Divorce
CBS News, NY - 53 minutes ago
Do you and your spouse want a divorce, but you're staying together for financial reasons? We want to hear from you! (WebMD) Divorce triggers an outpouring ...


The Associated Press

Madonna, Ritchie granted preliminary divorce
The Associated Press - 4 hours ago
Papers released by the court said Madonna petitioned for divorce on the basis of Ritchie's "unreasonable behavior," but did not elaborate. ...


AFP

Madonna and Ritchie granted 'quickie' divorce
AFP - 44 minutes ago
LONDON (AFP) — Pop superstar Madonna and her British husband Guy Ritchie were granted a "quickie" divorce on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour ...


Bernie Ecclestone divorce 'could be biggest ever'
AFP - 1 hour ago
A spokeswoman for Ecclestone's wife Slavica said Thursday that she had filed for divorce, but that seemed to come as news to the diminutive motor racing ...


Britney blames ex-husband's failed career for divorce
Press Trust of India, India - 10 hours ago
... infamous meltdown two years ago, also admitted that her romance with Federline was over long before she filed for divorce, the Contactmusic reported. ...
Spears: 'I Married For The Wrong Reasons' San Francisco Chronicle
Britney Spears craves freedom amid career upswing The Associated Press
Britney blames K-Fed's career for split Times of India
E! Online - HULIQ
all 721 news articles


Reese Witherspoon Speaks Out About Marriage and Divorce
TheCelebrityCafe.com, NY - 9 hours ago
Reese Witherspoon reflected about marriage and divorce in Parade Magazine's November 23 issue. The 32-year-old actress ended her seven year marriage to her ...
Reese Witherspoon Covers Parade Magazine Just Jared
all 2 news articles

Divorce - Google News

home | site map
© 2006