| ||
| ||
|
||
|
|
|
The Personal Cost of Shyness
Has someone nearby been sending you emails rather than calling or meeting you face-to-face? When you do get together, does she or he stand back, avoid holding eye contact, or speaking up? While there are many possible reasons for their behavior, that person may, in fact, be a victim of what has become "the third most prevalent psychiatric disorder" according to Dr. Lynne Henderson, a director of The Shyness Clinic. Yes, shyness. Along with Dr. Phil Zimbardo of Stanford University, Henderson has been studying what they believe is a growing social epidemic. In their research, nearly half of Americans describe themselves as chronically shy. Another 40% considered themselves as previously shy and only about 5% believed they were never shy. Dr. Zimbardo intends to draw more public attention to this disorder in his role as the new president of the American Psychological Assocation. Shy people tend to smile, touch and speak less. In social situations they experience symptoms such as rapid heart beat, perspiration, and butterflies in the stomach . . . often. Henderson and Zimbardo say that shyness is a form of excessive self- preoccupation. Shy people think more negative thoughts about themselves, are more likely to expect to be rejected and perceive others as less approachable than less shy people. They are even more likely to forget information presented to them when they believe that they are being evaluated. In short, the world looks like a scary, unfriendly place, so, ironically, they prove themselves right and often look unapproachable. At what cost? Shy people obviously have more trouble meeting people, conversing, forming relationships -- participating in life. Professor emeritus Thomas Harrell of Stanford University examined Stanford M.B.A.'s over a 20 year period to elicit their "success" factor and found that,"The number one factor linked with success was social extroversion, the ability to speak up, something that shy people are least apt to do. The bad news continues. In addition to the pervasive loneliness which shyness engenders, two potent, negative consequences of shyness are 1) greater health problems because shy people tend to have a weak network of friends and are thus less resilient to illness and less likely to even tell give doctors sufficient information to be treated, and 2) likely to make less money, live up to their potential at work or feel appreciated for their contributions. Metaphorically, shyness is a shrinking back from life that weakens the bonds of human connection. In her book, "That's Not What I Meant", Dr. Deborah Tannen wrote that, "Little of what we say is really important, relative to the words that are used, but it is the conversation itself that shows involvement." Why are more American describing themselves as shy? Is it our growing social isolation? Machines are replacing humans in many of our everyday interactions, from bank ATMs to gas stations to Email. Dr. Henderson believes that, "The growing context of indifference to others means a lowered priority is being given to being social." With less time spent in face-to-face interaction people are feeliing less comfortable with their ability to connect when they do want that closeness, turning modern-day shy. What can you do to reach out through your shyness? Shyness expert, Jonathan Berent, offers four pieces of advice which I have paraphrased: 1. When you feel safe you do not feel shy. Seek out and create safe environments to experience the non-shy parts of yourself, where you can be completely yourself without fear of judgment or negative consequences. 2. You are responsible for your actions, not your feelings. A natural instinct is to be driven to get rid of uncomfortable feelings. But you can remove feelings or control them. You can only feel them and then move onto what you want to feel or do next. 3. Your feelings are not within your control, but your follow-up thoughts and actions are. Trying not to feel shy leads you to trying not to feel at all. Try stuffing your feelings and you may turn compulsive, obsessive, addicted to something or someone and/or withdraw. If you try to stay with your feeling of shyness and see the worst that you can feel, then, over time, you know that you can survive, and even thrive in situation that had seemed scary. 4. Shy people are often attracted to those who do not return the affection which is a very painful way of creating safety. Knowing this, you can become more aware of people who are comfortable enough to reciprocate your reaching out. One final personal note. Most of my childhood I was quiet and kept to myself, mostly because I enjoyed daydreaming and reading. But most people thought that I was shy. In fact a school therapist diagnosed me as "phobically shy." I saw how isolating their view of me could make my life if I did not learn to reach out more so that people would be comfortable with me when I did want to connect. We all know from harsh experience that, while everyone yearns to be known and cared for, not everyone knows how to show appreciation in the face of caring. You "say it better" to connect and care, not because those gestures will always be acknowledged, but because, it is your brave and warm expression of how you want to live your life. Yes? Kare Anderson is the author of LikeABILITY (see Grand Store at http://www.SayitBetter.com), Make Yourself Memorable and SmartPartnering. A popular speaker on SmartPartnering and on how to be more frequently-quoted to become your kind of customers' top- of-mind choice, she also publishes the SayitBetter newsletter, with 32,000 subscribers in 28 countries.
MORE RESOURCES:
Happiness - Google News |
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
Letting Go of Anger and Awaken to Lifes Grand Aventures Anger can make us feel good and enlivened for a little while. When we are angry we are often feeling self-righteous, critical, judgemental and we have someone to blame for our own problems. Ode to Chocolate Chocolate delays reality. When I am eating chocolate, everything is on hold: anxiety, panic, frustrations, and insecurity. Why We Have Problems? A Coach Debates As a coach, I often ask myself the question why human beings have problems. With the exception of terminal diseases, serious illnesses that are REALLY life-threatening situations and serious stuff, we do have problems for a number of reasons I will present below. Believing is the Absence of Doubt You've heard the expression, "Just believe it and it will come." Well, technically, that is true, however, 'believing' is not just thinking that you can have it; it is also feeling that it is possible. Be Happy, Join The Wednesday Worry Club Of all the people who know me, no one would say I am afflicted with worryitis. They may say other things about me, which may or may not be true, but that's another story. Impractical Magic Witchcraft is a messy, expensive, time-consuming, and inefficient way to achieve your aims. I know, because I've tried it . Lifes Like that It is now 5 years since I passed out of college and started working. I love working. You are Where You are Because You Decided to be There The decisions we make everyday have a big impact on where we are in life, both spiritually and physically. Often these decisions are the 'safe' choices. Live Happily Ever After! So many people overwork themselves literary in the quest for happiness. Many claim that they will truly be happy when they become famous, earn a degree, become rich etc? However, what happens when the desire goal is attain? Nothing! They get excited for a second or two and go back to living miserably until, something good happens again and who knows how long that will take. 5 Fabulous B's for the Happiest You! Sure it sounds easy? "Be happy." Let's face it there is a little art and a lot of personal measures you can take to reveal true and lasting happiness. Getting Connected "The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet." -James OppenheimToday is very special. The Art Of Happy Living What do you think about happiness? A philosophical approach to life; an intellectual activity or an academical pursuit. No, not at all, nothing of the sort. Happiness and the Single Person; Changing Myth Into Reality Does the expression "single and happy" sound like an oxymoron to you? Are you weary of others (especially other singles) reinforcing the belief that singles cannot be happy? Do you find yourself always planning for the future or putting things off until you "are married and settled? Do you often have a sense that the intense feelings of happiness and joy cannot really be experienced unless you "have someone to share it with?" Do you just feel there is not enough time and other necessary resources available to the single person to pursue experiences that can bring true happiness?If the above resonates in your gut, do not despair. The following tips will offer ways to help you experience your present reality differently through changing behavior that is based on those negative (false) beliefs. See for Yourself : 12 Step Tools Can Bring Happy, Joyous and Free into Everyones Life We are all familiar with or have heard of the many Twelve Step programs and communities. The reason the 12 Steps are so effective in helping people create happy, joyous and free lives is because it is a program of solution based on principles written so simply that anyone can use them in their daily lives. There is a Cure for the Summertime Blues I have never lived anywhere else where when you walk outside in the summer you not only feel like you have walked into a sauna, you also want to change your shirt after just walking from your car to your office (Tallahassee).At the same time, I really can't imagine ever living anywhere else. Suffering Since wisdom is the art of coping with suffering, it starts with a willingness to tackle it head-on:a) Such is the harshness of our condition that we suffer, sometimes greatly or worse, insuperably.b) Such is the richness of our nature that we can learn to live happily, or at least serenely, within the limits of this condition. Having Fun with Life It was just a few degrees shy of swimming weather a few weeks ago at the beach. I walked along the shore in my jeans and a red tankini top, the salt air refreshing against my skin but not quite cold. How To Make Your Own Happiness Happiness comes to a person when it is caused by something, such as the person achieving a much-desired goal. Happiness also comes when the person recognizes something of value - seeing children playing together joyfully makes the parent happy. Keys to Happiness "Happiness is the whole aim and end of human existence" - Aristotle, The Nicomachean Ethics"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony" - Mahatma GandhiUnderlying the reasons why clients have come to me over the years is the desire for happiness. What is happiness? Conventional wisdom often defines happiness as status, financial security, worldly goods, possessions, lifestyle, accomplishments etc. The Happiness of Others Is there any necessary connection between our actions and the happiness of others? Disregarding for a moment the murkiness of the definitions of "actions" in philosophical literature - two types of answers were hitherto provided.Sentient Beings (referred to, in this essay, as "Humans" or "persons") seem either to limit each other - or to enhance each other's actions.
|
| home | site map |
| © 2006 |
.jpg)
