| ||
| ||
|
||
|
|
|
I'm Sorry! Blame-Game or Accountability?
A powerful tool for health as we approach the new year can be to focus on giving and/or receiving only real apologies when we want to heal a rift with a family member, friend, or co-worker. We hear apologies all the time, but I don't think many of them are sincere. An apology has to be real to heal. Trang Lei spent the day helping Martha buy furniture and art for her remodeled living room, but Martha never even offered to buy Trang Lei's lunch and so she felt unappreciated. Later when she told Martha she felt hurt, Martha said, "I'm sorry. I was just so excited about what I was buying that I didn't even think about it." Trang Lei did not feel better. In fact, she felt worse. Martha's apology came with a built-in excuse, implying that however she behaved was unintentional-beyond her conscious control. Moreover, Martha has an expectation that Trang Lei will accept the excuse. Thus, Martha perpetuates the original problem by continuing to be more focused on herself than on Trang Lei. I call this kind of apology "Sorry-Excuse." Even Martha wasn't consciously manipulating, her goal was not to take responsibility but to find a way out of it. In most cases, if you don't accept other people's excuses when they apologize, they will quickly get irrupted at you, blaming you for not being understanding. When we receive a counterfeit apology we often sense it and so rather than the hurt being healed, it is deepened-as in the old saying, "adding insult to injury." I think almost all of us give such apologies. And we model it for our children. Guidelines for making real apologies: One: Identify common formats for apology that are" counterfeit." If you clearly various types of bogus apologies, it will help you recognize when you give or receive an one. Here are some examples of common phrasing.
Two: Only say "I'm sorry," when you mean it and can specify exactly what you are apologizing for When we give what I believe is a "healthy" or authentic apology, we can state clearly what we did that was disrespectful or inconsiderate without:
For example, instead of focusing on why she didn't buy Trang-Lei's lunch-her excuse, Martha could have taken full responsibility, saying, "I'm so sorry I hurt you. There is no excuse for me to forget to buy your lunch. Even that would have been a small thank you for how much you helped me. And you spent your only day off doing it." Here, Martha uses her apology to show her real appreciation as well as her sadness that she didn't do so earlier. Three: Decline to accept an apology that is not given sincerely. When you accept an apology, and then walk away knowing it wasn't real, you enter a world of make-believe where you pretend an issue is resolved while harboring resentments. Gently, firmly, without anger, you can decline a hollow apology. For example:
When you refuse to accept an insincere apology, you refuse to surrender to being manipulated or pacified and you hold the other person more accountable-without having to argue or try to force an apology. You are likely to feel greater confidence. Real Apologies Build Character and Respect If we can change how we give and receive apologies, we can become less defensive, gain insight, grow wiser, and strengthen all of our relationships. We can also, then, be a strong model for others, including our children, teaching them that real apologies show strength of character, gain the respect of others, and have great healing power. About The Author This article is based on the book Taking the War Out of Our Words by Sharon Ellison, available through your local bookstore or favorite online bookseller. Sharon Ellison, M.S. is an award winning speaker and international consultant.
MORE RESOURCES:
Psychology - Google News |
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
What is the Addictions Recovery Measurement System? As I climbed 15-feet on a wooden ladder to the top of an old platform, next to this wall of leathery gray flesh, I caught a good whiff of fresh animal dung that immediately cleared my sinuses. Attempting to hide my fear from my wife with a poker face, and already feeling a little queasy, we were then advised by an old man who held a hammer in his right hand, to step into a shaky bamboo cradle seat atop of this seemingly gentle 8000 lb mammoth giant. Key Solution Focus Interviewing Skills There are several key Solution Focus interviewing skills that are indispensable in moving individuals from problem focus to solution focus.Exploration Exploring the meaning helpee is giving to words, situation, experience. Anti-Social Behaviors and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Anti-social behaviors are common with ADHD individuals. About 60% of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder kids are also oppositional or defiant. Gender and the Narcissist In the manifestation of their narcissism, female and male narcissists, inevitably, do tend to differ. They emphasise different things. The Psychology of Torture There is one place in which one's privacy, intimacy, integrity and inviolability are guaranteed - one's body, a unique temple and a familiar territory of sensa and personal history. The torturer invades, defiles and desecrates this shrine. Christian Psychotherapy for Convicts? Repeated research studies have revealed that secular efforts at rehabilitation have been unsuccessful in preventing recidivism. Not one of the various approaches to psychological counseling has been able to demonstrate success statistically in helping inmates rehabilitate. On Empathy The Encyclopaedia Britannica (1999 edition) defines empathy as:"The ability to imagine oneself in anther's place and understand the other's feelings, desires, ideas, and actions. It is a term coined in the early 20th century, equivalent to the German Einfühlung and modelled on "sympathy. What is the Theory of Multiple Intelligences? Part 1: Biological Basis Howard Gardner's theory of multiple intelligences is based on the premise that each individual's intelligence is composed of multiple "intelligences," each of which has its own independent operating system within the brain. These intelligences include: verbal-linguistic, logical-mathematical, spatial, bodily-kinesthetic, musical, interpersonal, intrapersonal, and naturalist. The Undeniable Power of Suggestion How exactly is the Human Psyche effected by the trivial "power of suggestion?" When a thought or seed is planted into the human mind, the psyche responsively triggers a lingering product of that thought. For example, urban legends have been circulated throughout history; in doing so, a mindset is incorporated into the psyche, creating a deceitful illusion that cannot distinguish fact from fiction. Balancing Brain Lobes - Mutras When does consciousness exist? Will the sentient robots being created with nanotechnology and the dumping of human memory such as was done to a computer chip by Stanford in 1999 have a soul of their own? I do not believe our soul is dumped in this process. But the issue of soul can be debated until the cows come home by observers of natural phenomena. Waking Up in the Middle of a Good Dream When the brain is asleep and in REM dream mode it has distinct patterns not found in normal waking states. When people who are dreaming are hooked up to machines the REM mode of sleep is quite evident. Right Brain, Left Brain The right brain controls the left side of the body and the left brain controls the right side of the body. The right brain is the more creative or emotional hemisphere and the left brain is the analytical and judgmental hemisphere. A Jungian Approach to Mental Illness All of us suffer from some form of emotional distress at some stage. Some forms of distress can last longer than they should and may significantly impair our everyday functioning. The Attention Spanner After a long and patient wait in queue, you reached the post office counter. Just then, the peasant sauntered over and plunked himself in front of you. Parapsychology: Maximizing Effectivity Of Targeted Controlled Remote Viewing Techniques Individuals with a solid working knowledge of Controlled Remote Viewing (CRV) have undoubtedly encountered the "plateaus" experienced at various levels throughout the ability's development.Successful employment of CRV to identify characteristics of past, present, or future events depends heavily on the viewer's ability to transmit retrieved data between the subconscious/conscious divide. Mind Over Matter - Proven THE ACTS OF CREATION:The following quote is a review I found on Amazon.com for a book I have only read about but seems to confirm many other things. Cult De-Programming? The following good work from a person engaged in trying to free people from cultish programming is far better than most. It demonstrates the person is aware of mind control techniques employed in influencing people. Fairies and Mental Health Schizophrenics hallucinate alternate realities. People who claim to have been abducted by aliens are accused of having Fantasy Prone Personalities. Insighting Human Behavior thru Gravity Wave Simulations of the Moon Every police officer will tell you that when there is a full moon, the natives are restless and it will be a long night, with lots of arrests and paperwork? This is a known fact one which cannot be dismissed so easily after such basic observations. An evolutionary theorist would say this is because on moonlit nights our ancient ancestors went on night hunts or that the Sabertooth tigers came to hunt us? Some say these things date back to our Tree Shrew ancestry, all of which Darwin might agree is plausible. The Special Secret of Intuition The limbic systemNerve impulses were known to relay feelings and emotions - whether they be the feel of silk, or the flush of shame. Sensors, or nerve endings reported on feelings from tissues all over the body.
|
| home | site map |
| © 2006 |
